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"You don't understand..."
IDK, maybe I don't. But I have no use for people who can't make good decisions for their children. When she first told me that Tina had given up one child for adoption b/c she wasn't in a good place, I respected that b/c in the end it's about your children. But then I get the rest of the story - her mother calls DCF b/c Tina's homeless. Tina's homeless b/c she has a shitty job. She has a shitty job b/c she decided felonious check kiting would fix her financial problems and landed herself in jail. She has to eat at work b/c she has no money for groceries because she's paying the majority of her $170-odd a week in child support because she won't simply write a letter saying this is more than she can afford and more than the law allows. But when A gives her money, she buys a pair of shoes instead of food or a bus pass. Hello??!!!! She's a sweet person? Yeah, most chickenheads are - there's nothing going on in their brains to cause them any conflict.
I'm serious with Angie about my not being interested in her relationship with Tina. Not just cuz I view my relationship with her completely separate from her and Tina. And not just cuz I don't have that emotional involvement that I did this time a year and a half ago. But I could already see that this was different from Consuelo. I know Angie was hurt when I said she would never have done this if she were still with Consuelo (ok our living together and sleeping in the same bed may have aggravated things...) - but yes, given a choice btwn Tina and Consuelo, I'd rather see her with Consuelo. Because in the end, no matter what, I care about Angie, and I want her to be happy. And Tina is not going to make her happy b/c she's just a Soul Sucker. She's either passively with someone who's going to repeatedly treat her like crap or she'll end up with someone like Angie who she's going to absolutely drain emotionally because she's not accustomed to being treated well AND there's absolutely nothing behind that ghetto-fied, "sweet" facade.
Ok, I'm done.
Some of it I'm sure is maturity, but a lot of it is just this whole South Florida thing. I'm brutally pragmatic about my feelings - I love too hard to be anything but. Relationship is either all of me or nothing, I'm either 100% committed or I'm not. And they, including Angie, keep trying to come up with reasons (oh she was hurt, she's scared), because "deep as a teaspoon" is as far as most of these folks will ever get. Selfishly they can't reconcile what I view as their bad behaviour with my unwillingness to get involved. I want someone I can totally immerse myself in - and there just ain't enough room in a teaspoon for two.
Hello??!!! And again, that's one of the reasons I may never be able to get back that feeling I had for Angie - she's too South Florida to ever really get to know me. And she doesn't understand how often she insults me by lumping me in with everyone else by assuming that I always have ulterior motives, or I'll try to take advantage of her or disrespect her. Yeah I started crying that day cuz no matter how often she may say I love you, she took me right back to that day when I realized she would never be able to see or accept me for the person I am, and there's absolutely nothing down that road but heartbreak. If I couldn't see where this was going, the pain would be easier to accept, but seeing this so clearly, which unfortunately is one of those things I'm really good at makes it harder for me to just let go and open up to her. And again, unfortunately, I clearly separate sex and relationship. The two don't have to go together. That's just me. It's not something I like about myself, and not something I encourage about myself. But down here? I'm so underwhelmed by the people I meet, that for now, relationship is is not something that exists for me. Unless something changes, unless I give a little less of myself emotionally, AND I can meet someone who's not as shallow, or insensitive, who appreciates the person I am, the physical will always take precedence. cuz that's all I'm ever gonna have for these folks.
Anyway, another week of being fired from Publix. You know, they still haven't learned what somebody like Ana Maria finally figured out. I may bend, I may even develop a few cracks here and there, but I don't break. And in the meantime, I'm losing respect for them each and every moment they pull this shit. And unlike the average South Floridian, respect means more to me than like or dislike. Like or dislike is teeny bopper, kiddie stuff. *wailing* MOM, THE COOL KIDS DON'T LIKE ME!!!.
PLEASE!! What. Ever. The. Fuck.
It's a bit hard, cuz this is the first job since D.A. where I've given a damn beyond earning my paycheck. I've gone from giving 150% to about 95% effort. Which, given my work ethic puts me on par with most folks who are giving 100% but still - I wish I could find that enthusiasm that I had when I started. The only good thing is that there won't be anymore "incidents" b/c I just don't care like I once did. Shame, huh?
Oh well, off to get a fired again.